The Supermarket ... With your kid(s)

So after the heaviness of lasts night post, I thought I would a deviate and think about the 'mums' we see in the supermarket. 

I'm UK based; so please excuse my use of Tesco (if supermarkets were BdSm, Tesco, by power and wealth, be the Dom

Mega) ... Anyway the blog

So today I Internet shopped, I couldn't be dealing with the histrionics of a child and Tesco, until shit happened, they didn't deliver my wine. Really?! Just really - Mums wine or wipes what's your pain stake here .. You can dampen tissue ... We can't ferment fruit for bedtime. 

So as I ambled the aisles I encountered various different parents ... From the; 

Bulletpoints...

'Oh just take a bag out the pack it will keep [sakd child] quiet'

'I know I said 30secs but you want food tonight do you?'

'When we get home you are straight to bed'

'How hard is it to just sit still'

'No burger king' ... My favourite 

And the ultimate off 'for god sake darling just give him his dummy'

The supermarket is parenting demand like no other, and after my negative post yesterday can I just say, parents - 'too are doing an amazing job' 

It's hard, it's crazy, it drives us crazy, did I say hard, but one 'I love you from their little mouths' and it's all worth every sk life moment. 

Please share the love. Love Laurinda 

So it's been two years... The journey's toughening

Wow, the first word has to be wow as its be a lifetime ago since I posted, and right now I need a life line. 

So I left you with a broken family and 3yo... Well today and ass kicking mother and a 5yo, and a dad sees Lylha regularly. 

For the ass kicking part well that belongs to Lylha. For their isn't a; fight, cause, plight I wouldn't three myself and her into for her.

But for me, I thought I was swimming this so well, even tempted a channel venture ... but before I knew it my legs couldn't tread water anymore and my arms start flailing. 

Why is everything a battle?, I love being a parent so much but I feel I'm always nagging, forever we saying no, threatening to take things away... And that's a good day! 

I feel sad that school has the best of her now and that brings out the sad in me because, selfishly, I miss our time together. But the time I do have with her she is so angry to me, and even her friends. That I feel like the mum that fails, the one 'we wouldn't invite her and her child too' the one they whisper about. 

Am I crazy or am I on my own here?

Does anyone else feel that backchat is the pinnacle at which they say 'yep, it's been great but I'm out'

The begging them to eat, the wish that the manners they have would be on display even 10% of the time  .. But above all that ... The compassion, the kindness and the empathy they have be on display; Those moments when we feel 'yeah I taught that' prevail over the cringe of your child saying 'I'm not sharing that'

I just wish I was getting it right. For her. 

Simply someone

Iv spoken passionately, in the public eye, all my hardest moments In regards to post natal depression and there are still days when I question "how and why, me" whilst locked I'm a room in tears

I then look at my child - the answer took a while, but it came. I am who I am because of who you made me

When things overwhelm just remember 

Everyone needs someone 

Someone needs everyone

Everyone wants to be anybody

But only someone can be a somebody. You

"I know its gonna be..."

So after every intention to post more regularly my body decided to give up on me and need more time and handling from the NHS.... Thankfully all on the road to recovery

My last few posts have been a little negative and despite living with PND I'm a very positive person, most of the time.... Therefore this post is more of a moment for me too stop, breathe and smile.

I make no hidden fact that almost 3 years on and I still have days where I'm glad I still have treatment but my life is starting to feel right and that's all down to one thing, a smile - from my beautiful daughter.

Her happiness is contagious and ignites that warm feeling (not a hot flush ... They're a whole different subject) that makes me realise the light is still shinning.

On the way to visit my grandparents today Lylha was singing along to Elli Goulding and she only knows the "eeee eeee" bit (you know what I mean) and she just blurted out "mummy its going to be ok because she said so" iv no idea what sparked this comment but hearing your child say those words does 2 things, 1 makes you feel guilty there is a reason they should want things to be ok - but more importantly it makes you stop, breathe and smile!

After all iv harped on enough about the power of smiling!

For those that follow me on twitter @laurindaisla will know that I often quote "life isn't about waiting on the storm too pass its about learning to dance in the rain" Well, Lylha, thank you for teaching me to salsa in the storm. I love you

Hold on for one more day

Wow happy 2013 ... Better late than never, and I always opt for fashionably late to a party

So excuses time in the last 6 months, yes that long ago now, my world changed dramatically...I sadly became a single mum and my physical health symptoms have been in over drive. So I haven't blogged because iv been back on the meds - iv spent days googling "how do I stop crying" and didn't think it appropriate for someone positive about mental health blogged about he darkness we know and fear

and then the cloud I often find myself under lifted....

I always say smile and the world will smile with you - well I took my own medicine and it worked. When I cried and ached full of hurt, self pity and anger I was filled with messages of "chin up" "time is a healer" BUT when I smiled all I heard was "wow you are stronger than you look" "I couldn't do if"
Looks like sorrow doesn't like company?

The more I smiled the more those around me raised my mood and the more I started to believe again

The bloody black cloud is a bugger but when sunlight comes through its a saviour. My friends, my family, my daughter and my smile have made the hardest part of my life not only liveable but successive!

Only one thing is more warming than you seeing your smile in your mirror and that's your child saying "you are pretty when you smile mummy, I love you"

Go on smile - you know you want too!!

Happy new year pen service has resumed

The more we break, the more we feel alive

So for those of you in my "circle" (I hate that phrase) and who follow me on twitter or Facebook would know the lack of writing comes from a personal issue that could result in a rant rather than a post.

But truth be told I can't hold in much longer, for I've always been an extrovert and writing has always been my salvation.

So a quick recap for my lovely readers and introduction to my new comers. My name is Laurinda I'm 28 (growing younger each year) and mummy to my beautiful toddler Lylha aka Angel Diva ;) oh and Iv been living with a mental illness, post natal depression for the last 2ys and 2m. And I will forever shout from the hills aspirin can fix a headache without shame so why can't we fix a mental pipelines without a raised eyebrow?

Ok back to the post? Well writing your my release so please do your thing

What you know is rocked
What you believe is doubt
What you want is clouded
But in yourself your found

We take what's hard
We take what's due
But rarely take in what is owed
And live by what's due

For fancies and daydreams
Are goals not givens
So stop, pause and stop again
What is that your actually living

For what matters becomes clear
What hurts simply smothers
But what we want, what we need
Starts to beak out in one way or another

For when the smoke lifts
The tears lessen
We can truly appreciate what is here
What is with us can be our heaven

Interpret how you wish for me simply in coping right now mentally and physically I need to appreciate what I do have and that is all I need to focus on in the meantime. That and remembering that we are never alone. Someone somewhere can listen and that's sometimes the biggest medication.

Depression isn't an excuse or something to cringe at. It's our illness someways its fine others we need a hug or a cuppa or a vent. Writing your mine. Search for yours if you haven't already

Xxx

Retail Therapy

My apologies first and foremost for lack of posting, had a hectic few months.

As regular readers of my blog are aware I write about my experiences of Post Natal Depression following the birth of my daughter 2 & 1/2 years ago. Iv shared the ups and the relapses with the world to try and do my part in smashing the stigma of depression.

This post is a little different from the previous ones I have published. As I want to share something very different....

The Sparkling in me is delighted that www.toxicfox.co.uk asked me to write a review for the amazing bags that come from Claireabella available from their website. The reason in why I have tied this in with my blog is what's in the title of this post!

Before having my little girl and very much so since I have always found shopping cheers me up no end. Iv always been a "girlie girl" and anything pink or pretty I love to own. Those closest too me know first and foremost what my favourite item to shop for is handbags and iv a very pretty and extensive collection but none stand out as much as my Clairebella bags.

I have been stopped in the street, the supermarket even in hospital for people wishing to know where my handbag is from. I first came across Claireabella from bags I had seen on TOWIE and since the boom of the programme the demand for Claireabella designs have gone through the sky and as a result they are now available via toxic fox for purchasing.
What's more they can be personalized too adding a little X factor too them.

Now my reason for linking this in too my blog isn't just because I have been asked too its also because shopping has always been a solice for me. Whenever I have felt low by something pretty has ignited a pleasure in me, I have also seen recently on the TV that endorphins can be released whilst shopping and give some people the same happy feeling as they get get from chocolate or after sex. Personally all 3 are great but the handbag you can keep for a lot longer!!

As shallow as some people may find the concept off this post I wanted to do it because iv spoken openly about medication and cognitive therapy helping me recover from my mental health illness, but realized there were other factors that helped me in addition to these and shopping was one of them!

So if like me you like sparkly things, personalized gifts and show stopping bags then I completely recommend you visiting www.toxicfox.co.uk and if your feeling low I completely recommend visiting the site with a chocolate in the spare hand!

There is a real pressure that some mums find in conforming to become a Yummh Mummy, having something pretty on the buggy handle for me was a great way of saying the outside says Yummy and inside I can feel and be whatever I wish. Socially acceptable or otherwise!

Iv really enjoyed doing this special post. Sorry for any shallowness that may have come across but Sparkling makes me smile!

Golden Hope and Bronze Bruises

Firstly my apologies for my lack off posting iv had a million and one things to deal with. Plus iv been bitten by the Olympics bug - hence the title.

I decided this post would follow the Olympic spirit but incorporating mental health... Confused?? Let me explain....

The golden moments of the Olympics has been associated with euphoric and ecstatic feelings. Much like when hitting a recovery milestone when suffering with depression. Every accomplishment feels a mini celebration and this was something I made sure I stuck too. When realising I had an illness to recover from I decided to make it steeping stones to an ultimate recovery (be why I haven't completely lost it when relapsing) and cash in on the "quitting smoking ads" - celebrate every win... It seems really simple but iv found that celebrating every "ok day" iv built myself up stronger and recover from "low days quicker".
The references to bronze bruises isn't meant to be a complete negative it's a a bit of a crappy metaphor, that in my mind means that even bad days (bruises) are a step towards ultimate recovery (bronze) a bit like a podium for the winners of the Olympics. As I said told you it was a crappy one!
Anyway I wanted this post to be positive and too say despite all the rubbish I'm dealing with in my physical health my mental health is getting there in true crappy metaphor style, my mental health is getting there and getting there well, a sterling silver if you like!

Xxxx thank you for reading xxxxx

Being brave and bearing all

Ok, those of you who follow very regularly will know that it's been a good few weeks since I lost blogged. The reason for that is simple, I didn't know how to put the words in black and white - the words that admit- a relapse.

Now I want to make one thing extremely clear this post is NOT in anyway a "poor me, pity me" post it's about honesty, it's about integrity and most of all it's about smashing the ridiculous stigma that surrounds mental health.

For reasons in my physical health my mental health has been more than struggling and over the past few months, I am ashamed almost to say, I have noticed my emotions and my control of them spiraling. I can say I hand on heart knew the reason for this but because I was being defiant to my own self and more importantly to my family, I refused to concede to the obvious and kept the British stiff upper lip. What an absoloute mistake and utter joke from the person so passionate in voicing about post natal depression and mental health as a whole. 15,000 plus have read my blog and read the one thing iv always campaigned about is speaking out an giving post natal depression a voice, hell I'm even taking it with the help of some wonderful mums to the press and into the mags. So why did I find it a challenge to take my mind to my GO and lay it bear. Quite simply because I have been doing what at some point in our lives we all do. "going through the motions"

So turnaround, this time, unlike my first diagnosis 2y ago, within 6 weeks my bum was in the seat infront of my GP with my mum by my side admitting I was struggling and need help! Within 30m back on the yellow and green tablet that I purposely take alongside my other pills for my physical problems because I am DAMNED if I'll treat my mind pills any different from my others. It's the same thing it's a condition , it requires a treatment. The irony being my mind will be sorted long before my body. What does that say for mental health treatment? Admittance and support are just the start, asking for the help being key! And to all those without the option to ask for help, speak up and speak out!

And I have to see a success in the fact that this time I didn't hide it from my family, I didn't hide it from my GP I just kept it from myself - although I knew deep inside, and hey there are things we can't control so if I can't control the physical I sure as hell will control the mind!

So... Emotive speak is one thing, clarification is something on a different level and that level is honesty. I can't be any less open about this because I want to be among those speaking up and speaking out!

Thank you for reading my naked post

Sparkling Smile

I have just realised this is the first post I have written where I have incorporated my blog title in a post, that's a sign it has been a good few days.

After my previous post I had some lovely messages collectively saying "keep smiling..." and I decided to take the advice and these past few days things have definitely felt brighter.

I have posted before about smiling being infectious and it is something I truly believe and wish the world over would catch on. So I decided I would take this on as a silent promise to myself, that despite being faced with any adversity this face would simply smile back and hide my mind screaming in turmoil and see what the response is...

I will also add this was a particular challenging time to take this on as firstly I bank with the f***wits also known as Natwest ... and decided to make this the week I throw myself into potty training!!!

But despite going crazy inside and wanting to lock myself in a room to scream for a few minutes smiling through the stress actually made me feel better to cope with the situations that arose in a much more proactive way.

Now by no means am I saying that being falsely cheery and almost smug is the way to handle stress, anxiety and any form of mental illness but I have found that it does help alleviate some symptoms, a bit like hot water bottles do for period pain... doesn't cure it but takes the edge of for a few minutes.

I wanted to share this with everyone because its something anyone can try and pretty much a fail proof way of having ago at something without loosing anything, except of course you work for Natwest and are being shouted at by a hormonal woman because she can not access her account - smiling in this instance may have resulted in the banks defence screens being activated....!!!

Potty training was something I have been dreading and dreading! I had made the idiotic mistake of trying to get her to do it before she was ready, however at the weekend she asked to be grown up like my best friends little girl and in her words "mummy be big girl like ... and no nappy" so I went with it and barring a few little accidents and a rather large poo on a trampoline it is going really well and I am sure this is because I took away all pressure from her and let her go with it in her own time. But in taking the pressure away from Lylha I found almost instantly a large weight had lifted and something I have been fretting about for 6m or so and loosing sleep over has turned out to be less of a challenge than I overly geared myself up for. Sadly that's one of the symptoms I am yet to find a cure for, the anxiety that comes from the fear of the unknown be that a change in a bedtime routine or tackling the potty. And again smiling through this has made me feel so much better and I am sure has added to my tolerance levels as I am a bit of a clean freak when there is a mess on my floor, to my husbands and dogs annoyance, they think I ambarking mad on the cleaning front!

So my reason for this weeks post is simple: Smile and the world will smile at you!


Please comment, I love to interact with my readers be it here or on twitter @laurindaisla and please add any ideas for anything you would like to read... NB: I don't write about Grey silk ties and riding crops.....

 (proof we are smiling :) )

It never rains but it certainly paws :)

Firstly 2 days of sunshine. That's certainly lifted more than just some dampened spirits!! just being outside in the sunshine somehow makes everything a little better.

The post tonight is more of a diary entry than an awareness post but I'd be grateful for you to still read on, because I do take solice in knowing I'm not alone in how I think or feel, sometimes....

I'm sure most people are aware by now that my blog is centered around my experience of post natal depression, following my daughters birth 26&1/2 months ago and although I wanted my blog to help raise the voice and smash the stigma around PND and other mental illness, it is also a portal for my recovery - acting as a journal where words can be my outlet.

So as I started with, a diary entry:

No dates as most of my days roll into one since becoming a stay home mummy (not a bad thing but can be a nuisance at times)....

The last few weeks have been trying, they have been filled with grey skies, (and Christian... Get reading if you haven't ...) with yet more health issues (for me), and generally a few weeks where literally everything that potentially could've gone wrong (in my mind i'll add) did! And because of PND I haven't coped well at all, and for the first time my physical health issues have hugely impacted on my mental health and added heavily to the battle.

Iv spent days over the past fortnight working myself up over my husband working round the clock and away, fretting like mad with the overriding thought "how am I going to do this on my own?". I realized how much the anxiety was making everything else challenging but unfortunately there was nothing I could do to stop the fear - other than get on with it. And I'll be honest when it came down to it I did ok, this probably sounds so stupid but I actually suprised myself how well I coped on my own, running my household off 1 toddler, diva in the making, and 2 young excitable bouncy dogs single handed. I appreciate this may not seem a lot but when iv doubted myself for 2yrs on my ability as a housewife this was a huge test and as a result a massive achievement!! I realized that my fear was just that. Something I over thought and over thought and then doubted... A horrible circle that is so hard to explain and rationalize but so easy to be swept away in.

Prior to my husbands stint away I was laid up poorly, now normally I have my grandparents who rally around me to help with lylha but the day before I collapsed in tesco I was packing them off on a plane to sunny shores. When I came round (rather embarrassed) my very first thought was shit. My parents are both working, my mother in law poorly an my husband "unable" to get out of work I freaked and freaked out big time about who could help me Luckily my little brother who is 22, but never even changed her nappy before, came to my rescue and they had the BEST few days together playing and watching kids tv. Again I appreciate this maybe so mundane for some people but when your everyday can sometimes be a battle of your own emotions and then being someone's total dependency on top of that, and cant be because you're poorly....it has been, challenging to say the least......

As I said everything that could go wrong.... This last fortnight also, to my absolute horror, witnessed my daughter fall backwards top to bottom down a flight of stairs and I felt so guilty I couldn't catch her from falling that after her 5m of crying I spent a further 30 shaking and crying, and feeling like the worst parent in the world.

And finally the title and my play on words - to top of a mentally exhausting fortnight I get a phone call from my husband, before he leaves, who was out with my 2 dogs to tell me my Nutmeg (I emphasize MY) had been hit by a car. The hours he was out at the emergency vet were frankly hideous. I understand some people's opinions "they are just pets" but to me and my family our animals have always been, and always will be loved members off our family.

Because of the PND but also because of utter love for her all the worst things in the world flashed through my mind and the hardest thought would be what would I say if the worst happened and when my girl woke up in the morning and, as she does every morning, asks first "mummy see Nini & Nana" (her names for our dogs) .... For 3 hours I sat wine in hand and tears down the cheek to then hear the key in the door and her come running through the front door and despite being hit at 30 front on she escaped with cuts, bruises and a bad mood... Those of you who have the privilege of knowing nutmeg will accept the strop is nothing new.....

So I'm sorry for blabbering about my little bubble over the last few weeks but it's made me feel better to put it in words and hope it makes anyone who has similar feelings feel a little comforted knowing that it is something sooo many people feel and not too many will happily talk about.

I keep meaning to add to my posts please add comments positive, negative, suggestive - whatever you wish. All bloggers love comments and this particular blogger loves my readers interactions

Thank you xxxx

Roses are read but tears run blue

As a football widow iv plenty off time to blog over the next few weeks.

Firstly some wonderful news to share with all of my readers: Lylha's operations on her eyes have been a complete success. She has been discharged from Addenbrookes without any need for any further procedures. Michael and I are absolutely delighted and thank everyone for their well wishes over the past few months.

Ok so the cryptic title of this post. As you all know by now (if you don't now is the time to do some catch up reading) my blog is based on my experiences, my journey and my battle - for want of a better expression - with post natal depression. You will also know if you read my posts regularly lately they have been episodes of darkness venturing their way into my recovery from this horrible illness. As I have blogged I have talked about my feelings and thoughts my feelings and thoughts towards Lylha (my daughter) but I rarely talk about my marriage and how the dark days more than cloud our marriage they engulf it.

Michael is my rock, I make know secret of that unlike my beautiful family he is hard on me and sometimes tough love is needed in times of despair especially when your battling an illness he can't see. But... You sensed a but didn't you....

Because he is a male I feel that my matriarchal role is to be the heart of my little family and therefore I believe my purpose is to look after my daughter my husband our home and our lives but when I get days where looking after my own mental well being is somewhat challenging, dragging myself onto my family throne is more than tough. Not only because my own fear that-he who goes out all hours and provides when his wife is home failing but because his response to this has made me fail in my own thoughts too.

I will add for the male readers and the Michael fan club that this is by no means an attack at men or my husband. I mean how can I expect him to understand an illness I don't understand myself and spend many waking hours writing about and fighting against.

What I mean is there is so little support for the husbands whose wives are battling PND that it ends up causing more stress and conflict. And this only exacerbates the symptoms, in my experience, and this then not only means a battle against the dark days of PND but then a fight to redeem a marriage or a partnership or more importantly in my case a fight to redeem our parental team.

I find because he is the only one there I vent every anger, every frustration, every feeling of sadness, of heartache and most importantly failure through him and too him. I then hate myself for it as it only prompts a fight, of exaggerates a break in the team and then makes the dark days filled with blues, and then of course tears.

It's taken a lot for me to comprehend but my illness is a battle for him too. just like the hormonal pregnant woman there is now a mum who's maternal instinct is in OTT overdrive, making up for the obvious lack at the start (see you should've read the earlier posts if your now lost...) but the practical side of it he goes to work and does his job why is it so hard for her to go an do the job she was born to do??? Now before the feminist band wagon get going that is my perception of MY husbands view not believe of women or my general consensus off male train of thought... DISCLAIMER!!!!

So after 2 years of drifting apart, and then floating together but then drifting even further apart. So I made the decision to bring to a head, and not just the usual loss of temper but actually lay the facts of the illness out, the lack of education and the extreme stigma around it and more importantly how it affects everyone differently. When all we want is to be happy!

So I wanted to share this with everyone whose relationship is sometimes pressured by mental illness and reiterate that education and communication is the best tool we have to support and succeed.

One day PND and mental illness will be accepted like a migraine or asthma and it's sufferers will feel quite happy and quite safe to discuss their chronic illness and the affect on their lives!

And finally (apologies for soppy side)
Michael;

Roses are red
But years run blue
Whether it's light or dark
Never forget the girl who married you!

Taking a break

Firstly there is a huge gap between now and my last post. Iv had an awful lot on my plate over the past 6 weeks or so therefore decided to take a break.

The gap in blogging works as a double purpose for this post. As iv now become a custom to the rather archaic expression "A change is as good as a rest"

As I said iv had numerous things and events that have taken my energy up over the last 6 weeks, non more terrifying mentally and physically than another operation on my beautiful girls eye. Anyone who's little one has gone under for an op will know that horrible feeling that your child's life is completely out of your hands. And as a result this has triggered a rather strong , but totally secret relapse of my struggle with PND.

I kept it quiet before and after her op from everyone around me that I felt out of control of my emotions again, partly because I felt like I had failed myself and Lylha by suffering again and partly because I didn't want to hear anyone saying "pull yourself together". For me this is the biggest insult anyone can say to anyone with a mental illness Only this time I'm a little bit wiser and iv kept my blog and a journal off my struggle of PND so as soon as I realised of lost control I was able to re-read my previous experiences and although it's taken 6 weeks I'm in the daylight again (please read my previous posts to understand what I mean by daylight).

Iv made no secret that part of my recovery was down to the amazing support from my family and friends and by changing part of my life that was making me feel so low. So I decided again I needed to do something or add something into my world to distract the darkness PND was causing.

So I took a break from putting Lylha to bed and then opening the wine too putting Lylha to bed then spend a min half hour exercising and then opening the wine. Exercise naturally helps with mental health issues as the endorphins that it releases aides a natural high but the sense of achievement followed by the lack of guilt from the calorific wine has really helped me take back my mind.

I was finding myself shutting away from the world again, sparking extremely irritable reactions within my marriage putting pressures on my marriage that need not be there and then not explaining my behaviour as I didn't want to accept I was poorly again. And above all I found a wave of sadness I couldn't shift. But by literally minutes of exercise each day cut through this with more affect than I could've wished for.

It's therefore no coincidence that my break from blogging was the exact same time as a relapse and im slightly ashamed that I didn't put my hand up and say "I'm struggling, help me" especially as I'm such a strong campaigner for parents to speak out and to understand you aren't ever alone.

In hindsight though this relapse has done something remarkable apart from keeping me fitter, it's made me realise just saying PND needs a voice it needs education too. How could we expect a parent suffering from PND to speak out only to be listened to by unsure ears and crucially I think this is why I shut up and panicked.

So although I still truly believe the more mental illness is spoken about the closer we are to smashing the stigma, we need to know what we are talking about.

So I urge anyone who thinks they've spotted the signs in a family member or a friend that they maybe struggling google depression, anxiety, post natal depression, the list is extensive so your ears are sure.

Happy jubilee to everyone, a break from my normal routine has certainly brought back my light and my smile, and my sparkle - diamond style!

Dampening the smile

A recipe to de-stress

This week I wanted to share with you all something that I have found has really helped my stress levels over the past 2 weeks - upto the point where I look forward to the evenings now where before it was the time of day I spent every waking hour panicking about.

Those of you who have followed my posts, or popped in and out off my blog will know that following the birth of my beautiful daughter 2 years ago my world sunk into a whirlpool of darkness and anxiety - the diagnosis of these symptoms the hardest pill iv ever had to swallow ... Post natal depression (PND)

I have written posts on a whole variety of my lifestyle some of which PND has affected, some it has dominated and ironically some of which it has improved.

The diagnosis of the illness was challenging enough but living rather than just existing with the symptoms PND inflicted me with we're a battle in itself.

Iv written about how I found myself to come from the depths of depression an back into the light, naturally there are times when I wobble but on the whole it's an illness that is in the background, putting my life my loves and my world centre stage.

However despite a positive attitude and the recovery from PND I still suffer anxiety about the evenings - especially if it's me on my own dealing with it. But by complete accident I have found the most simple yet amazing stress reliever that has in 2 weeks made me excited about evenings more than any other time of the day.

My husband and I a few weeks ago were sorting through our jeans when coincidentally we both realised our waistbands were more than just tight so we decided there and then to start healthy eating but also affordable healthy eating and we stumbled across the goodfood guide from the BBC.

We downloaded a weeks worth of recipes and hit the supermarket firstly I was sceptical that the ingredients wouldn't be cheaper than the things we usually and routinely buy and that eating mainly veg and protein would become mundane and how exactly a less than 350 calorie meal could be satisfying.

My lord was I proven wrong the fresh fruit, lean meat and fresh vegetables plus countless herbs were over £40 less than our usual shop and on the very first evening as I started prepping the food I found myself enjoying what I was doing, excited about the final result and when that came was overwhelmingly proud of what u ha made, and even more delighted when my husband and toddler were just as thrilled.

As the first week went on I found myself getting a total buzz about making our dinner that my mood had done a complete 180 and I was finding that the spark of happiness that I lost with PND was with me most of the day rather than pushed out by evening anxiety. Plus the huge shift in food and easily hitting our 5 a day physically I feel healthier and more energetic

Second week in and I'm already counting recipes for next week an planning shopping around the meal plan. Plus iv lost 4lb now too.

Someone once told me "nothing tastes as good as feeling happier in yourself feels". I completely agree

I wanted to share this with you all, For a few reasons:
Firstly there is a misconception healthier food is more expensive. Wrong it's not

And secondly; its been a huge aid in my battle with PND and if anyone else suffers with anxiety or depression give it a go. You've nothing to loose and hopefully like me you will feel better, and quickly too.

Thank you for reading please share any healthy recipes in the comments below AND any anxiety/depression easing tips you may have
iv lots of mums and dads who would love to know any healthy recipes especially when it comes to upping the intake of their kiddies fruit and veg.

Just to prove the food looks tasty here are some colourful creations from my kitchen

A different beat

I have decided this week to do something different partly for my own purposes and partly because it may make readers identify with the post on a different level.

Iv had a rather stressful week, so my purposes for this post is because I want to write to help myself feel better.

I have decided to make this post have a rhythm? If you've been following my blog from the start you will know I am currently studying English Literature, so this post also doubles up at a bit of practical revision.

The layout off the following piece of writing is set out too show my journey this far... (have a read of my previous posts if you aren't fully up to speed)

Breathe, grip, shudder, scream
The pain of a nightmare somehow is a dream
For this is happening, there's no stopping now
In my mind it's happened, I'm already so proud
Panic, confusion then terror sets in
This is no way a life should begin
Trauma, stretch marks my whole being aches
But here she is, that first breathe that she takes
Her lungs fill with air
My eyes locked in serenity's stare
A wash with love, a sense like no other
For here is my child, and for her, I'm her mother

Infancy begins with gifts, visits, pink all over the place
Smile after smile but it's only a painted face
For underneath something lurks
Something's not right, is it just that each day merges into tomorrow's night?

I live as expected, with a stiff upper lip
For that's the British way when your mind feels sick
It's not an infection or a pain you can see
But it's just as debilitating, and has invaded me

In the mirror I look, I shiver at the glare
For who is that person looking back with my stare?
She resembles my features but her eyes have no shine
Its unavoidable that glare is mine

Each day becomes the same:

My head hurts, it provokes, it evokes and then takes it toll, Im down and I choke

The circle around me becomes the soul of myself
And it's with thanks to them I do it right and get help

Scary knock on that door, as it opens it creaks
My eyes sting with tears - the tears are my speak
It says it all - a new mum that can't cope
Lost her way, herself, her mind and her hope

Recovery maybe slow but it will come
This is a battle that has to be won,
By me
For her

The fight of my life
For the light of my life
The love of my life
For her, my life

It's been over a year, and my days are brighter
Though, there are dark moments - a stark reminder

In art I find a pause, some time,
too stop and reflect on a healing mind

By talking even shouting I hope someone hears
There is always an outlet for your troubles to share

My heart now melts when I see her smile
PND is an illness not a chosen lifestyle

Now even on dark days there is still sun in my world
Because it shines for me and my beautiful girl
That love in her first breath, will be there in my last
The light in my eyes, and the smile on my face is no longer a mask

A parent's mind can be an enigma
But I'm shouting out loud and smashing this stigma!

Thank u xxxxx

Saving for a Savvy Sanity

My apologies for the lack of posting - loosing my laptop is proving a challenge, that coupled with being poorly has made for an interesting 2 weeks.

As I stated in my previous post being without Lylha whilst being ill was a trigger for my battle with Post natal Depression to have a mini flare up - thankfully upon physically getting better my psyche followed.

This week I want to share with you a different angle on my battle with PND that for some of my readers will be irrelevant ( we will call you the millionaires) but even so I hope you find this little insight into how I try keep a cap on my PND interesting.

As iv said previously I'm not a medical expert but I'm willing to bet (no pun intended) that there is some link between lack of money and mental health issues. I'm sure most people have experienced a tightness of some sort over the past few years and I would assume this has added pressure on your mental health, be it in the form of stress, depression, anxiety or even simply putting you in a bad mood.

When I had Lylha and went from a well paid, career established, independent woman to a full time mum fully dependant on my hubby and our household income halved I struggled for the first time in not having accessible cash for things we needed and wanted. Now don't misunderstand me, as a former bank manager I fully expected there to be a real tightening on our household purse strings but what I didn't foresee was how the lack of my OWN money would have such a bearing on my mental health.
I quickly found any money I used on myself a trigger for feeling guilty as i viewed it as "family money" and any money my hubby spent I was then annoyed with - despite it was his grafting that brought this income in.

As PND took a huge hold on me and my savings balance dwindled with the financial pressure parenthood brings I noticed I felt I was loosing some kind of a grip on a part of my "pre baby" life and this in turn made me feel awful.
This coupled with the awful "snobbery" that goes with motherhood; The whose buggy does what, I only buy my children the best organic food and snacks and my goodness I'd never let my baby wear tesco baby grows - We all know someone who falls into that bracket and it puts a horrible unnecessary pressure on those listening as some people simply can't afford it, or quite frankly, like me, didn't want to waste money on items that spend 90% of their lifetime being puked on!!
All of these things made an already turbulent time for me that little bit harder to deal with - untill I saw a spark...

I realised that money concerns are the last thing a new mum suffering with PND needs and I needed to find a
way to overcome this pressure to help me feel better whilst having zero disposable income of my own. So I started doing things to help ease the family budget the first and biggest change came from shopping online, it meant I wasn't tempted by non essential offers, items and sales that are infront of you in store (sorry supermarkets) and the delivery cost was cheaper than my petrol. This literally saved us £40/£50pm - money well needed as a new parent I'm sure you would agree. But this in itself didn't help me personally, so I started, from CHB, saving £2pw with the intention that at the end of the yet this was the money we had disposable for the Xmas and new years parties without having to find it, or scrimp on presents to make up for it. This small amount wasn't missed by me personally, and come the end of the year when it was time for Lylha to go to her nannies it was nice to be able to do something where there was no guilt, juggling or worry off expense associated.

So I went a little further I started saving the small change from "popping to the shop" and over a few months this amounted to £90 - had it been in my purse it would've frittered away but in a money tin, almost forgotten about it made a nice dent in lylha's forthcoming birthday presents.

The reason I chose to share this was because one of my recover techniques was based around control and amidst a recession money is, sadly, one thing we need to keep a close eye on and if there is a way to make this a positive and to help someone feel a little easier then fantastic.

By keeping literally a few odd pounds back iv helped save part of my sanity.

Support is saviour

I haven't had the opportunity to write (affectively) this week because unfortunately i'm not very well. However whilst I won't bore you with the ailments one of the things that has really worried me is the care of my daughter, given I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than a kettle - and at almost 2 she most definitely is.

I have found this week that worrying about logistics of home life whilst being sofa bound, not being able to do anything really for myself other than sleep and spending the majority of time with only the dogs for company I have wobbled in my recovery from post natal depression (PND)

I have found myself on more than one occasion crying over something minuscule combined with the panic that the control that had helped shaped my recovery has now seemed to slip away. As is my sanity with daytime TV

I'm sharing this as more of a diary entry than a post because I started this blog not only to help parents understand PND and to highlight the stigma of PND needs smashing but also as a way of recovering myself and my mind - almost to accept, embrace but also challenge my experiences of parenthood thus far. And by only half a page written I'm already starting to feel a little better.

The title of the blog is paramount to not only the recovery from this blip but also from the recovery as a whole from the entire illness. Without my family and friends physically and mentally I'd be stuck, the medics provide the best tools and medication for treating the illness, but in my experience I'm truly lucky that the amazing support network I have have in turn eased the symptoms whilst the treatment takes hold. My family have been invaluable this week looking after Lylha literally all day every day - which in turn means I'm missing her like crazy which also affects, for me, PND I'm only spending bedtimes with her ATM (not tonight as she is at Nanny's) and being apart from her is really difficult. However her coming home picking up my phone finding a pic of me and saying "Ahh mummy" and then kissing it was the highlight of this week.

As I say my reason for this post this week is more of a diary entry to remind me that recovery is a long process but a process without the support of those closest to me I couldn't be without, and to those suffering in silence find someone a support network with something so scary as PND, as with any mental illness is a huge step to recover.

Thank you for reading. X
Ps did this all on my iPhone. Pretty neat for a technophobic like myself

Nobody Does It Better ... Baby You're The Best

I have written in detail about my experiences with Post Natal Depression, my experiences of motherhood, labour and being pregnant and I suggest if you want to become on boardwith my style of writing and to grasp what I do and how I do it then please read my previous posts....

Previously I dedicated a post to my daughter Lylha entitled "Because She's Worth It" about no matter how hard PND and parenting can be I keep going and I keep smiling because of her.

What I have realised is I have never shared with anyone why I chose the title of my blog "Smile and the world will smile with you, Sparkle and it will smile AT you" Well this is simple before falling pregnant with Lylha and before being grasped by PND my view on the world was simpler, but even with the toils of parenthood I think this is still relevant: When the world See's someone that looks angry do they react, well if they know the person possibly if not NO, When the world sees someone crying do they stop to help, again if the person is known very possibly but if not known only occasionally, When the world sees someone frown do the react, hardly ever even if the person is known BUT When the world sees someone smiling do they react, well in my experience if someone sees you smiling they will smile back and this is the reason for my title: Infecting the world with a smile even though behind it lies a depth that can be sometimes difficult to live with... STILL WITH ME???

And I love, and have always loved to smile and see a smile - makes everything seems that little less rubbish.

Now being grasped with PND, and rather badly, smiling was sadly something that seemed to disappear not just from my face but also from my heart - but although it is still taking time to recover from the illness - the side affect of loosing my smile had a brilliant remedy - LYLHA

Lylha's ways and mannerisms from such an early stage have made me smile at moments when all else felt doomed. Her presence makes my face twitch and even just the thought of her makes my eye's widen into a bright sparkling smile.

I feel it important to write about this because very few people knew I had PND and those that did weren't aware of how badly it was affecting me because one special lady had the tendency to make me smile through the hardest of moments, the bleakest of days and the longest of nights. Don't get me wrong I spent much of the time frowning and screaming but there were moments in the dark where she made me smile and even if it didn't heal me it certainly alleviated one of the horrible side affects of PND - The lack of smiling.

I don't believe that anyone suffering from a mental illness should be locked away as a prisoner in their own home, in their own room but more importantly their own body and a smile is one way to evoke some freedom and unlock a smile from someone else - something that may one day make all the difference. The infectious power of smiling is something everyone should embrace, its free, its easy and it takes less muscles than a frown!

I am feeling a lot better and taking my recovery step by step but there is nothing in the world that compares to the smile my daughter creates - and at almost 2 she knows how to make mummy smile especially when this results in her being rewarded - cheeky, intelligent, beautiful, a little naughty but most definitely my saving grace and light of my life, that shines through on my face - Nobody makes me smile like you Lylha because Baby, Baby, Babbyyy You're The Best!!

And this is why from a young age, even asleep or watching TV how can she not make you smile

Thank you xxx

The Stress Factor

Over the past 10 days or so my computer time has been somewhat consumed by other things - all of which have been mentally taxing and have seen the odd glass of wine consumed.

Now I know everyone has stresses in their life, and individual stress tolerance depends on their situation and in my opinion the healthiness off their mind, so as mundane as the following may sound my reason for sharing this with you is because it reflects hugely on how my mind and body copes with stress whilst recovering from Post Natal Depression.

So over the past few days a summary of what my recovering mind has had to deal with is: My daughter having another eye operation, to then be told its not likely to be successful and need further surgery, my kitchen being redone which in turn equalled Lylha and I living at my grandparents for a few days (anyone with young kids can understand why staying away from your home with them is a mammoth mission in itself as the stuff you need looks like a 2 week family holiday), a husband with man flu, a car that needs sorting out and selling, and finally and possibly the most stressful of all - my husband has gone ahead (against my protests) and brought puppy Annatto to join my madhouse!

Now these events in themselves may not seem too much, but after having Post Natal Depression (PND) I developed anxiety on the side, and as a result these events have had me fretting for weeks prior to them happening in turn adding to my already sleepless nights. So by the time the events arrived I was already a sleep deprived nervous wreck.

I have found since having PND that I have physical side affects to stress, like many I develop a tension headache and this often leads to a full blown migraine, I am literally sick, I shake a lot and my IBS goes into overdrive, all of which then make me feel physically ill too, thankfully I have a pre payment prescription card or I'd be broke too!

I am sharing these because a lot of women who have come forward about their own experiences with PND have told me about their own physical symptoms and I didn't realise how common anxiety is amongst those who have suffered or are suffering from a form of depression. If it wasn't for me mentioning the "shakes" to a friend I wouldn't have told my GP and certainly wouldn't have linked trembling to me having suffered from PND.

Emotionally my mind is frazzled at the moment one of the sad things personally for me is when something causes a PND trigger I find it very difficult not to become upset, every time I feel anxious or stressed I feel like I am failing again and this normally results in me hiding away for a few days and having a good cry, unfortunately this time I couldn't hide away and get over it in my own time and in my own way as I was staying with family. As a result the tension built up to a head yesterday where I truly questioned my minds health again as I flipped on a fairly momentous scale, emotions + stress + bloody traffic + tescos + a whiny toddler = mummy in a seriously bad place - the good thing is after erupting and then cooling down I started to realise that I must be getting better as before this would have taken me weeks to recover from where as this time it was actually just 1 evening and 1 nights sleep I needed to feel better.

I write about these things not just to share with the world and encourage other parents in the same place to seek help - if they haven't already done so, but because for me writing it down makes how I feel and I how I think real - it's in black and white, it's now something those on the outside can see, and more importantly for me because if I can see it I am not as scared off it. I liken blogging about PND to being like Little Red Riding Hood going through the forest, when you know something is there lurking it sparks fear - but when you can see it you realise it isn't as scary as it seemed in your mind.

On that note meet the wolves in my household Nutmeg and Puppy Annatto:

Thank you for reading, please feel free to join in and comment
Lx