It never rains but it certainly paws :)

Firstly 2 days of sunshine. That's certainly lifted more than just some dampened spirits!! just being outside in the sunshine somehow makes everything a little better.

The post tonight is more of a diary entry than an awareness post but I'd be grateful for you to still read on, because I do take solice in knowing I'm not alone in how I think or feel, sometimes....

I'm sure most people are aware by now that my blog is centered around my experience of post natal depression, following my daughters birth 26&1/2 months ago and although I wanted my blog to help raise the voice and smash the stigma around PND and other mental illness, it is also a portal for my recovery - acting as a journal where words can be my outlet.

So as I started with, a diary entry:

No dates as most of my days roll into one since becoming a stay home mummy (not a bad thing but can be a nuisance at times)....

The last few weeks have been trying, they have been filled with grey skies, (and Christian... Get reading if you haven't ...) with yet more health issues (for me), and generally a few weeks where literally everything that potentially could've gone wrong (in my mind i'll add) did! And because of PND I haven't coped well at all, and for the first time my physical health issues have hugely impacted on my mental health and added heavily to the battle.

Iv spent days over the past fortnight working myself up over my husband working round the clock and away, fretting like mad with the overriding thought "how am I going to do this on my own?". I realized how much the anxiety was making everything else challenging but unfortunately there was nothing I could do to stop the fear - other than get on with it. And I'll be honest when it came down to it I did ok, this probably sounds so stupid but I actually suprised myself how well I coped on my own, running my household off 1 toddler, diva in the making, and 2 young excitable bouncy dogs single handed. I appreciate this may not seem a lot but when iv doubted myself for 2yrs on my ability as a housewife this was a huge test and as a result a massive achievement!! I realized that my fear was just that. Something I over thought and over thought and then doubted... A horrible circle that is so hard to explain and rationalize but so easy to be swept away in.

Prior to my husbands stint away I was laid up poorly, now normally I have my grandparents who rally around me to help with lylha but the day before I collapsed in tesco I was packing them off on a plane to sunny shores. When I came round (rather embarrassed) my very first thought was shit. My parents are both working, my mother in law poorly an my husband "unable" to get out of work I freaked and freaked out big time about who could help me Luckily my little brother who is 22, but never even changed her nappy before, came to my rescue and they had the BEST few days together playing and watching kids tv. Again I appreciate this maybe so mundane for some people but when your everyday can sometimes be a battle of your own emotions and then being someone's total dependency on top of that, and cant be because you're poorly....it has been, challenging to say the least......

As I said everything that could go wrong.... This last fortnight also, to my absolute horror, witnessed my daughter fall backwards top to bottom down a flight of stairs and I felt so guilty I couldn't catch her from falling that after her 5m of crying I spent a further 30 shaking and crying, and feeling like the worst parent in the world.

And finally the title and my play on words - to top of a mentally exhausting fortnight I get a phone call from my husband, before he leaves, who was out with my 2 dogs to tell me my Nutmeg (I emphasize MY) had been hit by a car. The hours he was out at the emergency vet were frankly hideous. I understand some people's opinions "they are just pets" but to me and my family our animals have always been, and always will be loved members off our family.

Because of the PND but also because of utter love for her all the worst things in the world flashed through my mind and the hardest thought would be what would I say if the worst happened and when my girl woke up in the morning and, as she does every morning, asks first "mummy see Nini & Nana" (her names for our dogs) .... For 3 hours I sat wine in hand and tears down the cheek to then hear the key in the door and her come running through the front door and despite being hit at 30 front on she escaped with cuts, bruises and a bad mood... Those of you who have the privilege of knowing nutmeg will accept the strop is nothing new.....

So I'm sorry for blabbering about my little bubble over the last few weeks but it's made me feel better to put it in words and hope it makes anyone who has similar feelings feel a little comforted knowing that it is something sooo many people feel and not too many will happily talk about.

I keep meaning to add to my posts please add comments positive, negative, suggestive - whatever you wish. All bloggers love comments and this particular blogger loves my readers interactions

Thank you xxxx

Roses are read but tears run blue

As a football widow iv plenty off time to blog over the next few weeks.

Firstly some wonderful news to share with all of my readers: Lylha's operations on her eyes have been a complete success. She has been discharged from Addenbrookes without any need for any further procedures. Michael and I are absolutely delighted and thank everyone for their well wishes over the past few months.

Ok so the cryptic title of this post. As you all know by now (if you don't now is the time to do some catch up reading) my blog is based on my experiences, my journey and my battle - for want of a better expression - with post natal depression. You will also know if you read my posts regularly lately they have been episodes of darkness venturing their way into my recovery from this horrible illness. As I have blogged I have talked about my feelings and thoughts my feelings and thoughts towards Lylha (my daughter) but I rarely talk about my marriage and how the dark days more than cloud our marriage they engulf it.

Michael is my rock, I make know secret of that unlike my beautiful family he is hard on me and sometimes tough love is needed in times of despair especially when your battling an illness he can't see. But... You sensed a but didn't you....

Because he is a male I feel that my matriarchal role is to be the heart of my little family and therefore I believe my purpose is to look after my daughter my husband our home and our lives but when I get days where looking after my own mental well being is somewhat challenging, dragging myself onto my family throne is more than tough. Not only because my own fear that-he who goes out all hours and provides when his wife is home failing but because his response to this has made me fail in my own thoughts too.

I will add for the male readers and the Michael fan club that this is by no means an attack at men or my husband. I mean how can I expect him to understand an illness I don't understand myself and spend many waking hours writing about and fighting against.

What I mean is there is so little support for the husbands whose wives are battling PND that it ends up causing more stress and conflict. And this only exacerbates the symptoms, in my experience, and this then not only means a battle against the dark days of PND but then a fight to redeem a marriage or a partnership or more importantly in my case a fight to redeem our parental team.

I find because he is the only one there I vent every anger, every frustration, every feeling of sadness, of heartache and most importantly failure through him and too him. I then hate myself for it as it only prompts a fight, of exaggerates a break in the team and then makes the dark days filled with blues, and then of course tears.

It's taken a lot for me to comprehend but my illness is a battle for him too. just like the hormonal pregnant woman there is now a mum who's maternal instinct is in OTT overdrive, making up for the obvious lack at the start (see you should've read the earlier posts if your now lost...) but the practical side of it he goes to work and does his job why is it so hard for her to go an do the job she was born to do??? Now before the feminist band wagon get going that is my perception of MY husbands view not believe of women or my general consensus off male train of thought... DISCLAIMER!!!!

So after 2 years of drifting apart, and then floating together but then drifting even further apart. So I made the decision to bring to a head, and not just the usual loss of temper but actually lay the facts of the illness out, the lack of education and the extreme stigma around it and more importantly how it affects everyone differently. When all we want is to be happy!

So I wanted to share this with everyone whose relationship is sometimes pressured by mental illness and reiterate that education and communication is the best tool we have to support and succeed.

One day PND and mental illness will be accepted like a migraine or asthma and it's sufferers will feel quite happy and quite safe to discuss their chronic illness and the affect on their lives!

And finally (apologies for soppy side)
Michael;

Roses are red
But years run blue
Whether it's light or dark
Never forget the girl who married you!

Taking a break

Firstly there is a huge gap between now and my last post. Iv had an awful lot on my plate over the past 6 weeks or so therefore decided to take a break.

The gap in blogging works as a double purpose for this post. As iv now become a custom to the rather archaic expression "A change is as good as a rest"

As I said iv had numerous things and events that have taken my energy up over the last 6 weeks, non more terrifying mentally and physically than another operation on my beautiful girls eye. Anyone who's little one has gone under for an op will know that horrible feeling that your child's life is completely out of your hands. And as a result this has triggered a rather strong , but totally secret relapse of my struggle with PND.

I kept it quiet before and after her op from everyone around me that I felt out of control of my emotions again, partly because I felt like I had failed myself and Lylha by suffering again and partly because I didn't want to hear anyone saying "pull yourself together". For me this is the biggest insult anyone can say to anyone with a mental illness Only this time I'm a little bit wiser and iv kept my blog and a journal off my struggle of PND so as soon as I realised of lost control I was able to re-read my previous experiences and although it's taken 6 weeks I'm in the daylight again (please read my previous posts to understand what I mean by daylight).

Iv made no secret that part of my recovery was down to the amazing support from my family and friends and by changing part of my life that was making me feel so low. So I decided again I needed to do something or add something into my world to distract the darkness PND was causing.

So I took a break from putting Lylha to bed and then opening the wine too putting Lylha to bed then spend a min half hour exercising and then opening the wine. Exercise naturally helps with mental health issues as the endorphins that it releases aides a natural high but the sense of achievement followed by the lack of guilt from the calorific wine has really helped me take back my mind.

I was finding myself shutting away from the world again, sparking extremely irritable reactions within my marriage putting pressures on my marriage that need not be there and then not explaining my behaviour as I didn't want to accept I was poorly again. And above all I found a wave of sadness I couldn't shift. But by literally minutes of exercise each day cut through this with more affect than I could've wished for.

It's therefore no coincidence that my break from blogging was the exact same time as a relapse and im slightly ashamed that I didn't put my hand up and say "I'm struggling, help me" especially as I'm such a strong campaigner for parents to speak out and to understand you aren't ever alone.

In hindsight though this relapse has done something remarkable apart from keeping me fitter, it's made me realise just saying PND needs a voice it needs education too. How could we expect a parent suffering from PND to speak out only to be listened to by unsure ears and crucially I think this is why I shut up and panicked.

So although I still truly believe the more mental illness is spoken about the closer we are to smashing the stigma, we need to know what we are talking about.

So I urge anyone who thinks they've spotted the signs in a family member or a friend that they maybe struggling google depression, anxiety, post natal depression, the list is extensive so your ears are sure.

Happy jubilee to everyone, a break from my normal routine has certainly brought back my light and my smile, and my sparkle - diamond style!

Dampening the smile

A recipe to de-stress

This week I wanted to share with you all something that I have found has really helped my stress levels over the past 2 weeks - upto the point where I look forward to the evenings now where before it was the time of day I spent every waking hour panicking about.

Those of you who have followed my posts, or popped in and out off my blog will know that following the birth of my beautiful daughter 2 years ago my world sunk into a whirlpool of darkness and anxiety - the diagnosis of these symptoms the hardest pill iv ever had to swallow ... Post natal depression (PND)

I have written posts on a whole variety of my lifestyle some of which PND has affected, some it has dominated and ironically some of which it has improved.

The diagnosis of the illness was challenging enough but living rather than just existing with the symptoms PND inflicted me with we're a battle in itself.

Iv written about how I found myself to come from the depths of depression an back into the light, naturally there are times when I wobble but on the whole it's an illness that is in the background, putting my life my loves and my world centre stage.

However despite a positive attitude and the recovery from PND I still suffer anxiety about the evenings - especially if it's me on my own dealing with it. But by complete accident I have found the most simple yet amazing stress reliever that has in 2 weeks made me excited about evenings more than any other time of the day.

My husband and I a few weeks ago were sorting through our jeans when coincidentally we both realised our waistbands were more than just tight so we decided there and then to start healthy eating but also affordable healthy eating and we stumbled across the goodfood guide from the BBC.

We downloaded a weeks worth of recipes and hit the supermarket firstly I was sceptical that the ingredients wouldn't be cheaper than the things we usually and routinely buy and that eating mainly veg and protein would become mundane and how exactly a less than 350 calorie meal could be satisfying.

My lord was I proven wrong the fresh fruit, lean meat and fresh vegetables plus countless herbs were over £40 less than our usual shop and on the very first evening as I started prepping the food I found myself enjoying what I was doing, excited about the final result and when that came was overwhelmingly proud of what u ha made, and even more delighted when my husband and toddler were just as thrilled.

As the first week went on I found myself getting a total buzz about making our dinner that my mood had done a complete 180 and I was finding that the spark of happiness that I lost with PND was with me most of the day rather than pushed out by evening anxiety. Plus the huge shift in food and easily hitting our 5 a day physically I feel healthier and more energetic

Second week in and I'm already counting recipes for next week an planning shopping around the meal plan. Plus iv lost 4lb now too.

Someone once told me "nothing tastes as good as feeling happier in yourself feels". I completely agree

I wanted to share this with you all, For a few reasons:
Firstly there is a misconception healthier food is more expensive. Wrong it's not

And secondly; its been a huge aid in my battle with PND and if anyone else suffers with anxiety or depression give it a go. You've nothing to loose and hopefully like me you will feel better, and quickly too.

Thank you for reading please share any healthy recipes in the comments below AND any anxiety/depression easing tips you may have
iv lots of mums and dads who would love to know any healthy recipes especially when it comes to upping the intake of their kiddies fruit and veg.

Just to prove the food looks tasty here are some colourful creations from my kitchen

A different beat

I have decided this week to do something different partly for my own purposes and partly because it may make readers identify with the post on a different level.

Iv had a rather stressful week, so my purposes for this post is because I want to write to help myself feel better.

I have decided to make this post have a rhythm? If you've been following my blog from the start you will know I am currently studying English Literature, so this post also doubles up at a bit of practical revision.

The layout off the following piece of writing is set out too show my journey this far... (have a read of my previous posts if you aren't fully up to speed)

Breathe, grip, shudder, scream
The pain of a nightmare somehow is a dream
For this is happening, there's no stopping now
In my mind it's happened, I'm already so proud
Panic, confusion then terror sets in
This is no way a life should begin
Trauma, stretch marks my whole being aches
But here she is, that first breathe that she takes
Her lungs fill with air
My eyes locked in serenity's stare
A wash with love, a sense like no other
For here is my child, and for her, I'm her mother

Infancy begins with gifts, visits, pink all over the place
Smile after smile but it's only a painted face
For underneath something lurks
Something's not right, is it just that each day merges into tomorrow's night?

I live as expected, with a stiff upper lip
For that's the British way when your mind feels sick
It's not an infection or a pain you can see
But it's just as debilitating, and has invaded me

In the mirror I look, I shiver at the glare
For who is that person looking back with my stare?
She resembles my features but her eyes have no shine
Its unavoidable that glare is mine

Each day becomes the same:

My head hurts, it provokes, it evokes and then takes it toll, Im down and I choke

The circle around me becomes the soul of myself
And it's with thanks to them I do it right and get help

Scary knock on that door, as it opens it creaks
My eyes sting with tears - the tears are my speak
It says it all - a new mum that can't cope
Lost her way, herself, her mind and her hope

Recovery maybe slow but it will come
This is a battle that has to be won,
By me
For her

The fight of my life
For the light of my life
The love of my life
For her, my life

It's been over a year, and my days are brighter
Though, there are dark moments - a stark reminder

In art I find a pause, some time,
too stop and reflect on a healing mind

By talking even shouting I hope someone hears
There is always an outlet for your troubles to share

My heart now melts when I see her smile
PND is an illness not a chosen lifestyle

Now even on dark days there is still sun in my world
Because it shines for me and my beautiful girl
That love in her first breath, will be there in my last
The light in my eyes, and the smile on my face is no longer a mask

A parent's mind can be an enigma
But I'm shouting out loud and smashing this stigma!

Thank u xxxxx

Saving for a Savvy Sanity

My apologies for the lack of posting - loosing my laptop is proving a challenge, that coupled with being poorly has made for an interesting 2 weeks.

As I stated in my previous post being without Lylha whilst being ill was a trigger for my battle with Post natal Depression to have a mini flare up - thankfully upon physically getting better my psyche followed.

This week I want to share with you a different angle on my battle with PND that for some of my readers will be irrelevant ( we will call you the millionaires) but even so I hope you find this little insight into how I try keep a cap on my PND interesting.

As iv said previously I'm not a medical expert but I'm willing to bet (no pun intended) that there is some link between lack of money and mental health issues. I'm sure most people have experienced a tightness of some sort over the past few years and I would assume this has added pressure on your mental health, be it in the form of stress, depression, anxiety or even simply putting you in a bad mood.

When I had Lylha and went from a well paid, career established, independent woman to a full time mum fully dependant on my hubby and our household income halved I struggled for the first time in not having accessible cash for things we needed and wanted. Now don't misunderstand me, as a former bank manager I fully expected there to be a real tightening on our household purse strings but what I didn't foresee was how the lack of my OWN money would have such a bearing on my mental health.
I quickly found any money I used on myself a trigger for feeling guilty as i viewed it as "family money" and any money my hubby spent I was then annoyed with - despite it was his grafting that brought this income in.

As PND took a huge hold on me and my savings balance dwindled with the financial pressure parenthood brings I noticed I felt I was loosing some kind of a grip on a part of my "pre baby" life and this in turn made me feel awful.
This coupled with the awful "snobbery" that goes with motherhood; The whose buggy does what, I only buy my children the best organic food and snacks and my goodness I'd never let my baby wear tesco baby grows - We all know someone who falls into that bracket and it puts a horrible unnecessary pressure on those listening as some people simply can't afford it, or quite frankly, like me, didn't want to waste money on items that spend 90% of their lifetime being puked on!!
All of these things made an already turbulent time for me that little bit harder to deal with - untill I saw a spark...

I realised that money concerns are the last thing a new mum suffering with PND needs and I needed to find a
way to overcome this pressure to help me feel better whilst having zero disposable income of my own. So I started doing things to help ease the family budget the first and biggest change came from shopping online, it meant I wasn't tempted by non essential offers, items and sales that are infront of you in store (sorry supermarkets) and the delivery cost was cheaper than my petrol. This literally saved us £40/£50pm - money well needed as a new parent I'm sure you would agree. But this in itself didn't help me personally, so I started, from CHB, saving £2pw with the intention that at the end of the yet this was the money we had disposable for the Xmas and new years parties without having to find it, or scrimp on presents to make up for it. This small amount wasn't missed by me personally, and come the end of the year when it was time for Lylha to go to her nannies it was nice to be able to do something where there was no guilt, juggling or worry off expense associated.

So I went a little further I started saving the small change from "popping to the shop" and over a few months this amounted to £90 - had it been in my purse it would've frittered away but in a money tin, almost forgotten about it made a nice dent in lylha's forthcoming birthday presents.

The reason I chose to share this was because one of my recover techniques was based around control and amidst a recession money is, sadly, one thing we need to keep a close eye on and if there is a way to make this a positive and to help someone feel a little easier then fantastic.

By keeping literally a few odd pounds back iv helped save part of my sanity.