A different beat

I have decided this week to do something different partly for my own purposes and partly because it may make readers identify with the post on a different level.

Iv had a rather stressful week, so my purposes for this post is because I want to write to help myself feel better.

I have decided to make this post have a rhythm? If you've been following my blog from the start you will know I am currently studying English Literature, so this post also doubles up at a bit of practical revision.

The layout off the following piece of writing is set out too show my journey this far... (have a read of my previous posts if you aren't fully up to speed)

Breathe, grip, shudder, scream
The pain of a nightmare somehow is a dream
For this is happening, there's no stopping now
In my mind it's happened, I'm already so proud
Panic, confusion then terror sets in
This is no way a life should begin
Trauma, stretch marks my whole being aches
But here she is, that first breathe that she takes
Her lungs fill with air
My eyes locked in serenity's stare
A wash with love, a sense like no other
For here is my child, and for her, I'm her mother

Infancy begins with gifts, visits, pink all over the place
Smile after smile but it's only a painted face
For underneath something lurks
Something's not right, is it just that each day merges into tomorrow's night?

I live as expected, with a stiff upper lip
For that's the British way when your mind feels sick
It's not an infection or a pain you can see
But it's just as debilitating, and has invaded me

In the mirror I look, I shiver at the glare
For who is that person looking back with my stare?
She resembles my features but her eyes have no shine
Its unavoidable that glare is mine

Each day becomes the same:

My head hurts, it provokes, it evokes and then takes it toll, Im down and I choke

The circle around me becomes the soul of myself
And it's with thanks to them I do it right and get help

Scary knock on that door, as it opens it creaks
My eyes sting with tears - the tears are my speak
It says it all - a new mum that can't cope
Lost her way, herself, her mind and her hope

Recovery maybe slow but it will come
This is a battle that has to be won,
By me
For her

The fight of my life
For the light of my life
The love of my life
For her, my life

It's been over a year, and my days are brighter
Though, there are dark moments - a stark reminder

In art I find a pause, some time,
too stop and reflect on a healing mind

By talking even shouting I hope someone hears
There is always an outlet for your troubles to share

My heart now melts when I see her smile
PND is an illness not a chosen lifestyle

Now even on dark days there is still sun in my world
Because it shines for me and my beautiful girl
That love in her first breath, will be there in my last
The light in my eyes, and the smile on my face is no longer a mask

A parent's mind can be an enigma
But I'm shouting out loud and smashing this stigma!

Thank u xxxxx