Taking a break

Firstly there is a huge gap between now and my last post. Iv had an awful lot on my plate over the past 6 weeks or so therefore decided to take a break.

The gap in blogging works as a double purpose for this post. As iv now become a custom to the rather archaic expression "A change is as good as a rest"

As I said iv had numerous things and events that have taken my energy up over the last 6 weeks, non more terrifying mentally and physically than another operation on my beautiful girls eye. Anyone who's little one has gone under for an op will know that horrible feeling that your child's life is completely out of your hands. And as a result this has triggered a rather strong , but totally secret relapse of my struggle with PND.

I kept it quiet before and after her op from everyone around me that I felt out of control of my emotions again, partly because I felt like I had failed myself and Lylha by suffering again and partly because I didn't want to hear anyone saying "pull yourself together". For me this is the biggest insult anyone can say to anyone with a mental illness Only this time I'm a little bit wiser and iv kept my blog and a journal off my struggle of PND so as soon as I realised of lost control I was able to re-read my previous experiences and although it's taken 6 weeks I'm in the daylight again (please read my previous posts to understand what I mean by daylight).

Iv made no secret that part of my recovery was down to the amazing support from my family and friends and by changing part of my life that was making me feel so low. So I decided again I needed to do something or add something into my world to distract the darkness PND was causing.

So I took a break from putting Lylha to bed and then opening the wine too putting Lylha to bed then spend a min half hour exercising and then opening the wine. Exercise naturally helps with mental health issues as the endorphins that it releases aides a natural high but the sense of achievement followed by the lack of guilt from the calorific wine has really helped me take back my mind.

I was finding myself shutting away from the world again, sparking extremely irritable reactions within my marriage putting pressures on my marriage that need not be there and then not explaining my behaviour as I didn't want to accept I was poorly again. And above all I found a wave of sadness I couldn't shift. But by literally minutes of exercise each day cut through this with more affect than I could've wished for.

It's therefore no coincidence that my break from blogging was the exact same time as a relapse and im slightly ashamed that I didn't put my hand up and say "I'm struggling, help me" especially as I'm such a strong campaigner for parents to speak out and to understand you aren't ever alone.

In hindsight though this relapse has done something remarkable apart from keeping me fitter, it's made me realise just saying PND needs a voice it needs education too. How could we expect a parent suffering from PND to speak out only to be listened to by unsure ears and crucially I think this is why I shut up and panicked.

So although I still truly believe the more mental illness is spoken about the closer we are to smashing the stigma, we need to know what we are talking about.

So I urge anyone who thinks they've spotted the signs in a family member or a friend that they maybe struggling google depression, anxiety, post natal depression, the list is extensive so your ears are sure.

Happy jubilee to everyone, a break from my normal routine has certainly brought back my light and my smile, and my sparkle - diamond style!