It's Not Right but Its Okay

Again for the pop lovers among you I'm sorry this is not an ode to Atomic Kitten...

Disclaimer done!

Before you read my post I want you to think about something I saw on a tweet the other day: "The Past is History, The Future's a Mystery but Today is a Gift which is why its called The Present"

As I have previously spoken about, in detail, I suffered with PND following the horrendous labour and birth of my daughter, now 21 months. As a result of those posts I have had some wonderful messages from as far a field as Jordan (the country not the errr model?) all of which have had a running theme - many of them are accounts from other Mums, and husbands of Mums who have had experiences of PND, some are messages of support and encouragement for starting this blog and others are about How am I doing now?

So, with no further ado The Present:

I have descirbed PND in all of my written work in the past tense, I have to admit this is entirely subconsciously! I guess I assume that as I no longer take anti depressants, I no longer attend counselling sessions and I have many more periods of "light" (all will be revealed) that I am in recovery from PND. In reality I think this is far from true, I guess like a recovering alcoholic having a small glass of Wine, (I'm not going to reiterate again I am not medic or trained health professional) having a moment when I feel down has the makings to throw me back into darkness at any given moment - only now I am aware of this and can put things in motion before I am gripped back there.

Like many Mum's who have shared their accounts with me there is something that is always there, I use the terms light and dark as its the only physical way I can bring myself to accept PND and its presence in my life. Unlike when PND had hold of me, I am able to let moments of darkness, things of infuriation and those instances of complete anger pass through me, but I do have a fear that something too upsetting, too difficult to negotiate or quite simply the wrong thing on the wrong day could see me plummet back into a world where the only light was artificial. What I am not aware of is a group or an organisation that are there for PND sufferers whose symptoms, for want of a better phrase, are in remission. If anyone does know of such a group please share it as I am sure there are Mums and Dads who would be interested.

What having PND has done to me has made small and mundane arguments or instances that before having Lylha I would have brushed off or even laughed off become an obstacle in themselves to get over, what I mean by this is: Not only having the argument to settle but recovering mentally from the emotions and feelings that go along with arguing or being in an upsetting place is a battle on its own.

I am lucky that those around me are aware that I have moments of fragility BUT even luckier that they don't tread on eggshells around me as how could I ever have the opportunity to know I am able to handle things better without those moments sent to try us being there. I think people pussyfooting around would have made these past few months harder to deal with than when a blazing row erupts, as does the feelings that accompany it. What I think is crucial is that me or anyone else that knows they need help sometimes is able to be in a position when they can say I am slipping again and I need some help with this, be it a reassuring chat and a cuppa or going back on meds - whatever works!

I love the phrase "pick your battles" and its one that since coming off the meds I have applied massively into my life, true to form sometimes the law of sod means I pick the wrong battles, but for me only having certain things to deal with at anyone time and being able to put others aside till your ready to deal with them is a way I can actively feel that I am handling this state of PND recovery.

I know we can't see Mental Illness but for me this surmises it: If you break a bone you take the time, the medication and the support of the cast to repair it - but every now and then once its healed it gives you Gipp, a little pang to remind you of the break, and some things you could do prior you can't now. Same with Mental Illness ONLY there isn't a bandage to repair a fractured mind, but there is treatment, support and unlike a broken leg smiling won't ease the pain - BUT it can with a fractured mind.

So as you see I know I'm not right but I'm Ok - a place where I am happy to be until I am in the next stage of recovery!