Support is saviour

I haven't had the opportunity to write (affectively) this week because unfortunately i'm not very well. However whilst I won't bore you with the ailments one of the things that has really worried me is the care of my daughter, given I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than a kettle - and at almost 2 she most definitely is.

I have found this week that worrying about logistics of home life whilst being sofa bound, not being able to do anything really for myself other than sleep and spending the majority of time with only the dogs for company I have wobbled in my recovery from post natal depression (PND)

I have found myself on more than one occasion crying over something minuscule combined with the panic that the control that had helped shaped my recovery has now seemed to slip away. As is my sanity with daytime TV

I'm sharing this as more of a diary entry than a post because I started this blog not only to help parents understand PND and to highlight the stigma of PND needs smashing but also as a way of recovering myself and my mind - almost to accept, embrace but also challenge my experiences of parenthood thus far. And by only half a page written I'm already starting to feel a little better.

The title of the blog is paramount to not only the recovery from this blip but also from the recovery as a whole from the entire illness. Without my family and friends physically and mentally I'd be stuck, the medics provide the best tools and medication for treating the illness, but in my experience I'm truly lucky that the amazing support network I have have in turn eased the symptoms whilst the treatment takes hold. My family have been invaluable this week looking after Lylha literally all day every day - which in turn means I'm missing her like crazy which also affects, for me, PND I'm only spending bedtimes with her ATM (not tonight as she is at Nanny's) and being apart from her is really difficult. However her coming home picking up my phone finding a pic of me and saying "Ahh mummy" and then kissing it was the highlight of this week.

As I say my reason for this post this week is more of a diary entry to remind me that recovery is a long process but a process without the support of those closest to me I couldn't be without, and to those suffering in silence find someone a support network with something so scary as PND, as with any mental illness is a huge step to recover.

Thank you for reading. X
Ps did this all on my iPhone. Pretty neat for a technophobic like myself

Nobody Does It Better ... Baby You're The Best

I have written in detail about my experiences with Post Natal Depression, my experiences of motherhood, labour and being pregnant and I suggest if you want to become on boardwith my style of writing and to grasp what I do and how I do it then please read my previous posts....

Previously I dedicated a post to my daughter Lylha entitled "Because She's Worth It" about no matter how hard PND and parenting can be I keep going and I keep smiling because of her.

What I have realised is I have never shared with anyone why I chose the title of my blog "Smile and the world will smile with you, Sparkle and it will smile AT you" Well this is simple before falling pregnant with Lylha and before being grasped by PND my view on the world was simpler, but even with the toils of parenthood I think this is still relevant: When the world See's someone that looks angry do they react, well if they know the person possibly if not NO, When the world sees someone crying do they stop to help, again if the person is known very possibly but if not known only occasionally, When the world sees someone frown do the react, hardly ever even if the person is known BUT When the world sees someone smiling do they react, well in my experience if someone sees you smiling they will smile back and this is the reason for my title: Infecting the world with a smile even though behind it lies a depth that can be sometimes difficult to live with... STILL WITH ME???

And I love, and have always loved to smile and see a smile - makes everything seems that little less rubbish.

Now being grasped with PND, and rather badly, smiling was sadly something that seemed to disappear not just from my face but also from my heart - but although it is still taking time to recover from the illness - the side affect of loosing my smile had a brilliant remedy - LYLHA

Lylha's ways and mannerisms from such an early stage have made me smile at moments when all else felt doomed. Her presence makes my face twitch and even just the thought of her makes my eye's widen into a bright sparkling smile.

I feel it important to write about this because very few people knew I had PND and those that did weren't aware of how badly it was affecting me because one special lady had the tendency to make me smile through the hardest of moments, the bleakest of days and the longest of nights. Don't get me wrong I spent much of the time frowning and screaming but there were moments in the dark where she made me smile and even if it didn't heal me it certainly alleviated one of the horrible side affects of PND - The lack of smiling.

I don't believe that anyone suffering from a mental illness should be locked away as a prisoner in their own home, in their own room but more importantly their own body and a smile is one way to evoke some freedom and unlock a smile from someone else - something that may one day make all the difference. The infectious power of smiling is something everyone should embrace, its free, its easy and it takes less muscles than a frown!

I am feeling a lot better and taking my recovery step by step but there is nothing in the world that compares to the smile my daughter creates - and at almost 2 she knows how to make mummy smile especially when this results in her being rewarded - cheeky, intelligent, beautiful, a little naughty but most definitely my saving grace and light of my life, that shines through on my face - Nobody makes me smile like you Lylha because Baby, Baby, Babbyyy You're The Best!!

And this is why from a young age, even asleep or watching TV how can she not make you smile

Thank you xxx

The Stress Factor

Over the past 10 days or so my computer time has been somewhat consumed by other things - all of which have been mentally taxing and have seen the odd glass of wine consumed.

Now I know everyone has stresses in their life, and individual stress tolerance depends on their situation and in my opinion the healthiness off their mind, so as mundane as the following may sound my reason for sharing this with you is because it reflects hugely on how my mind and body copes with stress whilst recovering from Post Natal Depression.

So over the past few days a summary of what my recovering mind has had to deal with is: My daughter having another eye operation, to then be told its not likely to be successful and need further surgery, my kitchen being redone which in turn equalled Lylha and I living at my grandparents for a few days (anyone with young kids can understand why staying away from your home with them is a mammoth mission in itself as the stuff you need looks like a 2 week family holiday), a husband with man flu, a car that needs sorting out and selling, and finally and possibly the most stressful of all - my husband has gone ahead (against my protests) and brought puppy Annatto to join my madhouse!

Now these events in themselves may not seem too much, but after having Post Natal Depression (PND) I developed anxiety on the side, and as a result these events have had me fretting for weeks prior to them happening in turn adding to my already sleepless nights. So by the time the events arrived I was already a sleep deprived nervous wreck.

I have found since having PND that I have physical side affects to stress, like many I develop a tension headache and this often leads to a full blown migraine, I am literally sick, I shake a lot and my IBS goes into overdrive, all of which then make me feel physically ill too, thankfully I have a pre payment prescription card or I'd be broke too!

I am sharing these because a lot of women who have come forward about their own experiences with PND have told me about their own physical symptoms and I didn't realise how common anxiety is amongst those who have suffered or are suffering from a form of depression. If it wasn't for me mentioning the "shakes" to a friend I wouldn't have told my GP and certainly wouldn't have linked trembling to me having suffered from PND.

Emotionally my mind is frazzled at the moment one of the sad things personally for me is when something causes a PND trigger I find it very difficult not to become upset, every time I feel anxious or stressed I feel like I am failing again and this normally results in me hiding away for a few days and having a good cry, unfortunately this time I couldn't hide away and get over it in my own time and in my own way as I was staying with family. As a result the tension built up to a head yesterday where I truly questioned my minds health again as I flipped on a fairly momentous scale, emotions + stress + bloody traffic + tescos + a whiny toddler = mummy in a seriously bad place - the good thing is after erupting and then cooling down I started to realise that I must be getting better as before this would have taken me weeks to recover from where as this time it was actually just 1 evening and 1 nights sleep I needed to feel better.

I write about these things not just to share with the world and encourage other parents in the same place to seek help - if they haven't already done so, but because for me writing it down makes how I feel and I how I think real - it's in black and white, it's now something those on the outside can see, and more importantly for me because if I can see it I am not as scared off it. I liken blogging about PND to being like Little Red Riding Hood going through the forest, when you know something is there lurking it sparks fear - but when you can see it you realise it isn't as scary as it seemed in your mind.

On that note meet the wolves in my household Nutmeg and Puppy Annatto:

Thank you for reading, please feel free to join in and comment
Lx

Because She's Worth It

I have written in detail about the issues I had during my pregnancy with Lylha and also the troubles with physical and mental problems I am still recovering from since her arrival and one of the things I haven't thought about when sharing my journey with whomever fancies a read is: What do those who don't have children or who are planning children or even those who maybe pregnant at the moment think about my blog - I mean can they relate to it anyway or be excited by it like so many parents have been?

Well if you are one of those yet to experience the joy of parenthood this is for you....

Firstly if you want to familiarise yourself with my journey and my writing style and understand the problems that I am overcoming you need to have a read through my previous posts otherwise this is officially gobbledygoop!

Everyday I feel like I am having a battle with myself and my body be it the physical problems that arose pre and post birth (horrible emergency c sec) and that of my psyche everyday recovering that little bit more from the horror that is Post Natal Depression (PND) - and writing this for those who have not or possibly will never go through these traumas may make you think why do you bother writing about it or even why do you carry on... well the answer is simple its because she is worth it!!!

I am sharing these posts because I know some potential parents who have heard literal horror stories about pregnancy, child birth and then the parenting after and its put them off. Well I can say with complete conviction I would do it all again in a heartbeat for Lylha. I understand personal preference of not wanting to have children as I was very much on the fence (before the best mishap of my life happened) but I am so glad that my life has taken me down this route. There is truly nothing more beautiful in the world than the sight of my daughters beautiful smile or the sound of her giggling - even with the FUN nightimes we have with her there is something extremely heart warming about the sound of the words "Mummy, Daddy or NiNi (the dog)" coming from my little ones cot in the darkness of the night that even though I miss sleep I just want to see her and cuddle her.

I have said before and I will preach about it forever women's bodies are an amazing commodity we are built for pregnancy and we are built for childbirth and yes sadly things go wrong but that's what the Dr's and midwives are for. What a woman's body does to conceive, grow, deliver and feed a baby is miraculous and I find it fascinating and although I am not one to believe its a right of passage for women to become pregnant I do think its a time in a woman's life like no other (and I had a super shit time with it BUT nothing takes away from the beauty of new life)!

"Because she is worth it" - my daughter will be 2 in April and already my little girl has her own unique personality, her own way of doing things, a little temper (I think she got from her aunt AJ), her own sense of humour, she knows what she likes and she certainly knows what she dislikes. She can make a room full of people laugh at the most smallest of things, she brings joy to almost anyone she meets and she loves her family simply because we love her so very much. There truly is nothing that quite compares between the love of a mother and her child and its a feeling I wish you could bottle and share out to whoever needs a love in their life.

I know this post isn't as powerful as my others in the terms of its morality and the need to raise awareness for PND and to get the parents that need it seeking the help they need but I think its important for everyone who reads my writing to connect with why I do it.

I do it because I want to help anyone whoever felt in the darkness of PND find their way into the light, I do it because writing has been a massive help in my own recovery, I do it because people enjoy reading it, I do it to publicly thank the amazing people who helped me during the horrible dark days and I do it because I am so in love with my daughter and so so proud of her that I want to share it with the world!

And because being a mummy you can do fun things like this.......

A Weight in Vain

For those of you who have been following my posts you will be aware of how PND following the birth of my daughter in April 2010 dominated me for the first few months of her life, and has accompanied me in someway or another since, and although mental illness is not visible to the naked eye for me there is one huge factor in my battle with PND that is - "the mummy tummy"....

Before I was pregnant, like many women, I was on a constant diet of some sort of another to keep my figure at a healthy and attractive size 12 on finding out I was pregnant I am not ashamed to admit one of my concerns was the changes that lay ahead for my appearance.

I have posted previously about (if you have not read these you may wish too now as it probably makes understanding my journey and my writing style easier) the unexpected and fairly difficult pregnancy I had, but one of the very first difficulties I experienced in my pregnancy was coming to terms with the physical changes to my body - which in turn had a huge affect on my mental health.

Now don't misunderstand me I was under no illusion that my body would stay the same throughout the 40 weeks of gestation, and the days after the birth... the reason I say "days" is quite simple: thanks to the media's portrayal of celeb mum's who within a few days after their little ones have simply popped out are back fighting fit and in a size sodding 6 dress even the ones that believed they were too posh to push and decided they would have a c sec courtesy of hotel Portland! This riles me because, as like many image conscious girls do, I truly believed I would be leaving The Rosie Maternity hospital the size I was when I pee'd on a stick all those months earlier. I even went as far as buying an outfit to bring Lylha home in that still hangs in my wardrobe with the tags on. Of course this was not the reality!!!

The first real obstacle for me to overcome mentally in regards to my appearance came when I was just 11 weeks pregnant courtesy of my husbands grandmother, we were at the wedding of Michael's aunt and aside from his parents and siblings this was the 1st time I was meeting his family (we had been together 9 almost 10m at this point) so naturally I was nervous. She came over to Michael and I after the wedding breakfast and said to me "so are you having twins" I replied with an awkward laugh "Not that I am aware of" (I had an early scan as didn't know dates) she then proceeded to say "are you sure, because your big aren't you?" Now as you can imagine this 1st impression still haunts me, and I left that night with a hubby that was slightly worse for wear and sobbed that I had obviously changed physically so much in a short period of time that I looked fat. Of course I understand it was the bump she was referring too but none the less it really troubled me.

Throughout my pregnancy people continually pointed out the glamorous side with lovely comments such as "my god your boobs have got massive", "your waddling well", "wow your blooming" Now I know these remarks were never meant to cause offence but I found them really challenging to accept. I wanted to look in the mirror and see the woman I was before with just a baby bump - not with puffy ankles, not with an ever growing posterior and not with fingers that needed the wedding ring removed. I truly never felt I "glowed" or "beamed" I felt like whale that waddled like a duck and it really upset me and I am more than sure that my feelings towards my image throughout my pregnancy were a factor in then developing PND.

The reason I believe that my image was a factor in becoming ill with PND is because I still (despite friends of mine having babies and seeing them in the weeks after) really believed I would have Lylha and the weight, the tummy and the boobs would be back to their "regular Laurinda sized self" after she was out. I even convinced myself after the spinal had taken effect and just before they began the c sec (emergency most definitely NOT elective) that this would mean I would be like Vicki Beck's and have my body back that day.

Of course in reality this most definitely did not happen, the days that followed were equally as frustrating I came home and tried on pre pregnancy clothes and they went nowhere near me. Staring into the mirror whilst doing this broke my heart. I could see a lady looking back at me that had my face and was crying my tears but was someone I most definitely did not recognise.

When I started the meds and the talking therapy for PND I told my GP that the way I looked and the weight I had gained was one of the factors that was making me so unhappy and that I had a mental argument going with myself that one side was "I hate the way I look now" and the other saying "don't be so ridiculous beauty is only skin deep" ... I was almost delighted when he reassured me that body image is a major influence on people's mental health and to know that I wasn't alone in how I felt made me feel less stupid and eased the guilt of being a little vain.

Once I started the treatment for PNDpre preg weight and only 2 dress sizes away. As time and treatment carried on as did the weight loss.

Once my treatment for PND was complete in the terms of meds I noticed that my weight loss had slowed and almost stopped with maybe only 1lb a month being shed. I won't lie this has massively disheartened me but has not pushed me back into a state of PND despair.

I still find it really hard to see and hear off celebs that have had their babies and are the epitome of a "yummy mummy" almost instantly, likewise I find it really difficult not to get upset when I see and read of curvier ladies in the public eye under so much pressure to be stick thin rather than curvy and size sexy.

In respect of the PND I'm in recovery, but for the time being the way I look - Well I can't see when I will ever be at peace with the mirror, as I still don't accept the girl looking back at me through tear stained eyes is me.

Blogging doesn't get tougher than this!

When I started putting my journey down in words and took the monumental decision to make my world public for all too see, read, comment and share one of the things I swore to myself (albeit quietly) was that I would be brave enough to share the darkest moments of my journey. This isn't just to help others be aware of Post Natal Depression, but also help me in my recovery from it.

So....

This week has been awful! If there was a darker word than, well, dark to describe how I have felt this week then I would use it.

The events of this week, for me, in themselves have been challenging for the lightest of minds, but when recovering from mental illness (yess... I used its proper term and proud to do so) any occurrence has the ability to tip you back out of the light.

I have spent most of this week attached to a packet of kleenex and putting my faith in my waterproof mascara - which I can confirm held fairly well (congrats bareminerals!) and why the tears were flowing there was no emotional release with it which terrified me. Fear of going back into the dark was gripping me beyond belief. The fear in itself felt another obstacle to beat before even attempting to come to terms with what was happening outside of my control this week.

That's when the light came back on, I was terrified beyond belief I was becoming ill again because I had no control over the events that were affecting my emotions so strongly, but although I couldn't control that I did have control over how it made me feel. WUTIWUF! If you have spent time in any therapy you may've come across this phrase, if you haven't well here you go:

What
You
Think
Is
What
You
Feel

So in order to keep the light on, time to apply this phrase to my situation(s) and hey presto things became brighter. The brighter things became the clearer I began to think, and the clearer I began to think the better I felt.

I am not going to dress anything up with rubbish jargon and awful cliche's mental illness is horrible! It's frightening, it is overwhelming and quite frankly it's difficult to accept. What it should not be is shameful to accept, hence my mind bearing all to the world.

My medication this week to make me feel better on top of WUTIWUF included 1 tub of ice cream, 1 bottle of red wine, 5 hours of jeremy kyle and changing my hair from its 27yr blonde state to brunette.

When I write this down I realise however hard things may have been, they have shaped me. They have given me the courage to do something I have always wanted too, but always been that little bit too cautious too, and that's going brunette. For anyone that thinks get a grip its only hair, that's your opinion, to me my hair is me and its what the world sees and I quite like the world to see something that would make it smile!

Guys I am sorry if this isn't as insightful as my previous posts, but I am determined to keep this blog real and what better way of sharing with you how a life in the day of PND recovery can be (intentionally that way around grammar police)

Thank you for reading - next time something takes away your smile remember frowning uses more muscles than smiling, so technically until your feeling happy again ...your face is getting a work out!

It's Not Right but Its Okay

Again for the pop lovers among you I'm sorry this is not an ode to Atomic Kitten...

Disclaimer done!

Before you read my post I want you to think about something I saw on a tweet the other day: "The Past is History, The Future's a Mystery but Today is a Gift which is why its called The Present"

As I have previously spoken about, in detail, I suffered with PND following the horrendous labour and birth of my daughter, now 21 months. As a result of those posts I have had some wonderful messages from as far a field as Jordan (the country not the errr model?) all of which have had a running theme - many of them are accounts from other Mums, and husbands of Mums who have had experiences of PND, some are messages of support and encouragement for starting this blog and others are about How am I doing now?

So, with no further ado The Present:

I have descirbed PND in all of my written work in the past tense, I have to admit this is entirely subconsciously! I guess I assume that as I no longer take anti depressants, I no longer attend counselling sessions and I have many more periods of "light" (all will be revealed) that I am in recovery from PND. In reality I think this is far from true, I guess like a recovering alcoholic having a small glass of Wine, (I'm not going to reiterate again I am not medic or trained health professional) having a moment when I feel down has the makings to throw me back into darkness at any given moment - only now I am aware of this and can put things in motion before I am gripped back there.

Like many Mum's who have shared their accounts with me there is something that is always there, I use the terms light and dark as its the only physical way I can bring myself to accept PND and its presence in my life. Unlike when PND had hold of me, I am able to let moments of darkness, things of infuriation and those instances of complete anger pass through me, but I do have a fear that something too upsetting, too difficult to negotiate or quite simply the wrong thing on the wrong day could see me plummet back into a world where the only light was artificial. What I am not aware of is a group or an organisation that are there for PND sufferers whose symptoms, for want of a better phrase, are in remission. If anyone does know of such a group please share it as I am sure there are Mums and Dads who would be interested.

What having PND has done to me has made small and mundane arguments or instances that before having Lylha I would have brushed off or even laughed off become an obstacle in themselves to get over, what I mean by this is: Not only having the argument to settle but recovering mentally from the emotions and feelings that go along with arguing or being in an upsetting place is a battle on its own.

I am lucky that those around me are aware that I have moments of fragility BUT even luckier that they don't tread on eggshells around me as how could I ever have the opportunity to know I am able to handle things better without those moments sent to try us being there. I think people pussyfooting around would have made these past few months harder to deal with than when a blazing row erupts, as does the feelings that accompany it. What I think is crucial is that me or anyone else that knows they need help sometimes is able to be in a position when they can say I am slipping again and I need some help with this, be it a reassuring chat and a cuppa or going back on meds - whatever works!

I love the phrase "pick your battles" and its one that since coming off the meds I have applied massively into my life, true to form sometimes the law of sod means I pick the wrong battles, but for me only having certain things to deal with at anyone time and being able to put others aside till your ready to deal with them is a way I can actively feel that I am handling this state of PND recovery.

I know we can't see Mental Illness but for me this surmises it: If you break a bone you take the time, the medication and the support of the cast to repair it - but every now and then once its healed it gives you Gipp, a little pang to remind you of the break, and some things you could do prior you can't now. Same with Mental Illness ONLY there isn't a bandage to repair a fractured mind, but there is treatment, support and unlike a broken leg smiling won't ease the pain - BUT it can with a fractured mind.

So as you see I know I'm not right but I'm Ok - a place where I am happy to be until I am in the next stage of recovery!